The Thing About Divorce...

The fallout for sinful decisions never ends. Not even 30 years later. Not even over 3 generations. No, there is really no perfect or happy conclusion to that kind of spirit-splitting, soul-splintering hurt. And when people are split and splintered, they reproduce their split and splintered life because there is no way to pass on wholeness from something that isn't whole.

When discussing divorce, people tend to focus on whether or not young children are involved, and how it will affect their lives at that time. How they will handle it, what their internal/external reactions will be, how they may "act out" as a result of the turmoil and disillusionment. This is all extremely important and absolutely must be considered, but what people rarely discuss openly is the long-term affects and relationships: parent to parent, parent to child, sibling to sibling, parent to grandchild, etc. None of the "reactions" are contained within a time period. In fact, people often like to act as if, as you grow older, the effects wear off, like it was some kind of drug or a passing phase.  A lingering smell we try to ignore.

As a child of divorce, I was unfortunate enough to watch as my troubled parents split my heart in half and then battled for the pieces. And the more parents that get involved, the more splitting and battling happens. Each person, whether participating in the original separation or not, brings their own issues to the battle, and each issue brings with it a new tear. As I got older, the tearing never stopped. Children of divorce are given the illusion or suggestion of "choice" when there is really no choice to be had; regardless of our direction, there is hurt, hurt, or more hurt.

Often, it feels like all of my parents are battling for the shredded pieces of my heart, not out of love for me, but to spite the other. It's not about the life I lead and the way I submit to God, it's about what geographical state I'm in, what I say during conversation about the other parent, whose side I'm willing to take. There is only pride in my accomplishments with the parent who feels I am accomplishing something for them. There is no support or reinforcement for any decisions that could possibly impact the estranged parent, that's against the rules. I'm not allowed to have that.

I did not choose the divorce. I did not choose to divide my family, or my heart. I was barely alive when any of the hurtful sins happened. So why must I choose even now? Why is the idea of "choice" even brought up?

Regardless of how I live and how I much I love, splintered hearts will continue to be splintered, and I have no "choice" in mending that. Love will be conditional from those who don't know unconditional love. The idea of  loyalty has become grossly skewed by people who have never really known what it looks like. Love has become twisted, unrecognizable by the hurt.

Brokenness is a thing. We break ourselves and we break each other, and we become more broken. Brokenness breeds brokenness. Literally. That's how beautiful grandchildren can go years at a time without ever knowing a whole side of their family. The children of the divorce can't glue their parents back together at any time in their life, not even for the sake of their own children, regardless of how desperately they want to for the new child's sake.

Parents look at their children as their redemption. They want them to somehow make them whole again where they are broken, but that burden doesn't lie with those caught in the middle. We are powerless to redeem, to fix. When divorce is involved, the children somehow become the battleground to redeem what was lost in the marriage--trust, dignity, pride, sense of self-- and the children who are left in pieces are left to pick up what's wounded after battle. As if, somehow, we could.

So where does love fit into this? Love that is supposed to be patient and kind and not keep record of wrongs? Really, it's nowhere to be found. It was sin, not love, that got us into this mess, and it's sin, not love, that's left behind. There is no love in turning your back on people out of your own brokenness. There is only pain there, and as long as we choose our own pain over our love for someone else, the cycle continues.

I spent most of my life in that place of pain. In that place of decision to withhold forgiveness, to keep myself in bondage to my many hurts. In that place of pain, I caused exponentially more pain, more hurt, and I spread the poison. I learned to do that from my parents, my teachers. I can't blame them because of choices that I cognitively made and things I hurtfully did. I am sinful enough all on my own, believe me, but children do model the behavior that is shown them.

The decision to embrace pain over love affects more than those directly involved. Anyone even remotely attached to the broken situation gets railroaded by forces they don't understand, that they never chose. They become broken by proxy. That's how sin works, it has tentacles, it has poisonous ink that dyes every person it even mists with its pain.

The only thing that can wash that pain off is the healing Spirit of the Lord. It's NEVER up to us to wash each other, to redeem each other, to justify each other and our actions. As soon as we depend on other people, as soon as splintered parents depend on shredded children to make them whole and justified, the pain only gets worse. The fallout spreads, the venomous ink reaches further.

Children can't choose between two sides of the same heart. We aren't even the ones who ripped it. Why is it up to us--those who have been split by the sin and anger of the parents who cracked our souls in half--to be okay with JUST HALF? Why would a loving parent even ask that of us?

Here's your favorite fudgesicle. It's delicious and whole isn't it? Your mother/father and I are going to break it in half, and each tempt you with one side. We would rather you be broken and just choose one of us than to ever be whole again, that's how angry we are at each other. We aren't angry at you, just choose the right half (my half, please, there's a lot attached to it) and you'll be fine. Act like you were never SUPPOSED to be whole, and we will all be okay. Well, I will be... just choose my half.

We can never become whole from people who are broken. It's taken me nearly 30 years to realize that I can't get healing from people who are sick, and I can't get unconditional love from people who have never felt it. I will only ever get division from divided people (and, by the way, that's everyone.)

My only hope, my only dream, my only idea of wholeness, has to come from God. And it didn't just COME to me, I have to SEEK it. Continually, never-ending. I do have a prayer for my family to be whole, I do pray for that miracle (and that's exactly what it will be when it ever happens.) I do pray for hearts to soften and for jaws and fists to un-clench; for arms to stop swinging. I pray for souls to fully open back up to the healing love of God and become whole again in HIM, because no person (parent or child) can make that happen. I pray that all my parents and all my siblings could even have an inkling of an idea for how much I love them, how much I want them whole again for their own sake.

In the meantime, on this earth, I'm left without any choice in this separation except pain. I will continue to submit my life, my heart, my hurts, to God for healing, and to daily seek His direction and His path. That is a path that will never divide me. That is the only path that will make me whole.

Utterly Overwhelmed

I am often overwhelmed.

I am overwhelmed by all the love in my life. I am overwhelmed by the many amazing ways The Lord has taken care of me and provided for me, even when I didn't deserve it. I am completely overwhelmed by the smallest graces and blessings that are really so great.

It's not as if life is all roses. It's definitely not... it's life in all its insane glory.

But sometimes I say something or I observe something around me and I think, "Wow, I so don't deserve all of this." I don't deserve my fantastic, supportive, insightful family. I don't deserve my awesome husband, who seems to have been shaped by God singularly for me. I don't deserve the love of my adorable pets. I don't deserve the great place that I live where I am warm and comfortable and have every need met that I can think of. I so totally don't deserve my amazing friends, who bring me closer to God day by day; who inspire me, who bless me endlessly with who they are.

I truly don't deserve any of it, but I often feel like I have it all. 

Praise The Lord for that!

Come to Me and be FULL

"For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace."
~Romans 8:5-6 ESV

Loved Ones,

I am Life and Peace. There is no Peace without me. I bring it to you as part of Me. Take part in my Peace. Take part in my Grace. Take part in my Truth. There is none of this outside of who I AM.

You try it on your own, and when you fail, you fail to realize that you aren't meant to do it on your own. That burden is not intended for you. I carry the burden, and I take it and transform it into Peace that you can inhale--that you can enjoy.

I gave you spirit so that I could give you my Spirit, so that I could give you my Peace.

Train your minds to me. Subdue your mind to accept my true Freedom. Your mind imprisoned by your flesh will never free you-- only your mind in my Spirit brings true liberation.

And oh, it's glorious. Glorious Peace, glorious Freedom, glorious Life. Glory to ME, who is capable of displaying Glory in it's only true form.

But you take part in that Glory when you take part in my Spirit. You act as an amplifier--that is your glorious role.

Amplify Me--and I will push out the confines of your mind and stretch your spirit into my Mist. My Mist that will not be contained--my Breath. There are no boundaries here. There are no casings to keep Me in. I want to give you the life to live outside the casing--without the containers of chaos, stress, and darkness.

Be part of my Spirit and part of my Purpose as you forget your limiting flesh and LIVE the Peace of my Spirit. It's not on you; but it's IN ME.

I exist for you to exist in ME. When you pour into ME, I pour back.

I fill. I fill with the Presence that is the Fullness of Joy.     Come to me, and be FULL.

I dare you to read "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp

"When we lay the soil of our hard lives open to the rain of grace and let joy penetrate our cracked and dry places, let joy soak into our broken skin and deep crevices, life grows."

What a beautiful and unexpected revelation of joy from a pig farmer's wife and mother of six. In her book, One Thousand Gifts, Ann Voskamp does a glorious job of speaking straight into your soul as she pours her own onto the pages. What she writes is much more than poetry, it's truth.

One Thousand Gifts was born of a dare: a dare to be thankful. Ann's sorrowful life was a struggle to find God in any way she knew, but she learned that He is in the one thing of which she had no knowledge at all: gratitude. Derailed by life's tragedies and its many chores, Ann desperately sought joy and a fullness of self that she wasn't even sure existed. A friend's prompting to write down 1000 things she was thankful for transformed not only her perspective, but her life, her soul, and her spirit.

This book is more than "touching." It's more than "compelling." And though its composition makes its rhythm soothing and enticing to read, it is much more than a simple "page-turner." One Thousand Gifts is more than a book, it is a revelation. It reveals the heart of God for us in the midst of a chaotic and broken world. It reveals the truth of what our spirit is and what it longs for. It reveals how to really breathe... and with that breath how to really live.

When the basis of life is thanksgiving, grace, and joy (Voskamp's breakdown of the word Eucharisteo) then  all that exists are gifts. Counting these gifts and acknowledging them as grace transforms us from the inside out in the middle of our seemingly mundane lives. "Counting His graces makes all moments into one holy kiss of communion and communion comes in the common," the author so beautifully explains.

If you need new eyes and a new perspective, read this book. If you need to know more of God's heart for you, read this book. If you're empty, and need to learn how to be truly filled, read this book. If you're not sure what you need...read this book.

I dare you to read this book and be changed.

I dare you to be grateful.

~ Kinsey Moberg

Make Your Own Laundry Detergent

Quit being ripped off by purchasing laundry detergent!

It's mostly water, and it's unbelievably easy (and quick!) to make yourself. The recipe below makes about 2.5 gallons (shown in the container above.) I've seen recipes that make larger batches, but I don't have the storage space for all that, and I hate using a bunch of different containers.

HE machines should use 1/4 cup per load, and the final cost comes to about 3/1000 cent per load!

Normal machines should use about 1/2 cup per load, and the final cost comes to about 7/1000 cent per load!

You can't beat that! Especially since it works just as well as any detergent I've ever used before.

It's low-suds, fragrance and dye-free, and safe for sensitive skins/noses and babies! We love it!

What you'll need:
1/4 bar of Fels Naptha, grated
2 Tbsp Borax
1/4 Cup Washing Soda

The total cost for the products shown is about $7, but they last for ages!



Step 1: Melt Grated Fels Naptha in 1 cup of water, on LOW heat. Stir frequently.



Make sure all soap bits are dissolved fully. Final product should look like this:



Step 2: Pour 10 cups of water into large stock pot or bucket. Add melted soap, Borax, and Washing Soda. Stir until powders are fully dissolved and soap is well mixed.

Step 3: Pour another 10 cups of water into pot and stir well.

It should look like this:



Step 4: Cover, and let it sit overnight.

In the morning, your concentrate will be ready! It will be gelled and may look something like this:





Step 5: STIR IT UP WELL! Mix up all those gelly clumps!

Step 6: Pour detergent into your containers, filling halfway, and fill the rest with water. You want 1 part detergent, 1 part water (in whatever container you're using.) Use a funnel if you need to.



That's it! Shake well and USE!




The entire process, from grating the soap to mixing and using, takes about 15 minutes (not including the time it sits overnight.) Honestly, the longest part is melting the soap.

This 2.5 gallon batch lasts our small family many months using about 1/2 cup per load. Your mileage may vary ;).

The container shown above holds one full batch this size PERFECTLY, and I love the dispenser at the bottom. You can buy it at Walmart for about $7 if you like it. Just make sure the top isn't screwed too tight, or the spout will pour slowly!

Every once in a while, I give the jug a shake before I use it.

CREDITS: I've adapted this recipe from another great blog. I love that Busy at Home breaks down the cost and gives great info! I appreciate her work in converting the recipe for smaller batches like this one.

BONUS! For those of you with a giving spirit, multiply this recipe by 4 and make 10 gallons at a time. Collect empty 1-gallon jugs from friends, family, and co-workers, then make a large batch to give away to those in need! Be sure to label the jugs and give instructions for how much to use per load. Your efforts will be greatly appreciated, I promise!

Enjoy your new laundry soap!

Blessings,
Kinsey Moberg

Kitchen Cheat Sheet!

Happy Cooking!
Kinsey Moberg

My Greatest Fear of All

I never thought I was a fearful person. Sure, spiders and bugs freak me out and I gag at gross things all the time. I have certain self-preservation instincts, and I have the uncontrollable reaction to *GASP!* and grab or squeeze my husband's hand when I think someone will hit us while driving (he hates that, and it's spurred more than a few unpleasant moments in the car...)

That being said, I'm not actually afraid to die. Really. I don't like the idea of pain (I'm quite the wimp, to be honest) but I'm really not scared to move on from this life.

I'm also not afraid of conflict. Ask anyone who knows me. I tend to be a "face it head-on and get it over with" kind of person. I don't shy away when maybe I should, or I instigate when maybe I shouldn't.  It gets me in trouble sometimes. Ok, fine, a lot. It seems I wasn't born with the "filter" that comes installed between most peoples' brains and their mouths. It's taken nearly 30 years for mine to grow. And often, it's defective.

Obvious flaws aside, I've operated most of my life under the assumption that I was pretty fearless. I've believed it so whole-heartedly that I may have even convinced others of my own delusion, but I know the truth. It's been revealed to me bit by bit over time, though for a while I've tried to ignore it.

The truth is that I am crippled by fear. I may not be afraid of others or death, but I'm afraid of something even more terrifying. I'm afraid of living; I'm afraid of myself.

You see, I believe in Purpose. I believe in Design. I believe in the Law of Geographical Anointing, or the idea that we were "created for such a time as this." In my soul I have an understanding that I was placed here on earth for a very specific reason that nobody but myself--with my gifts, my conflicts, my intellect, my experience, my struggles, my desires, and my heart can accomplish. We all were... but I'm not scared of your purpose, because it's not up to me to satisfy it.

No, I'm the only one who can do this. It's a task created just for me... I just wish I knew more of what it was. 

I know the mandate behind it all, though: I am on this earth to exemplify God's glory and his Love to those around me. That's a tall order, but I'm okay with that. I understand that there are human limitations and struggles that are covered by Grace, and that I can still succeed in this even when I'm failing.

The issue is that I'm still trying to learn exactly how I am best suited to live out that mandate, because as much as that is the message for everyone, there are very specific ways that I am to carry it out myself.

Enter the fear. I know my talents. I know my passions, and I'm discovering more of them all the time. I know that I'm meant to be something great--that I am something great in the eyes of my Maker, if only because I am an image of Him.

Maybe that's the heart of it. I recognize the source of "my" greatness, and the power scares me. Because I can't control it. Because I'm only the vessel.

But this vessel is in the midst of a storm. In this storm, I see waves of doubt in who I am clash with the assurance of who He is. I see the cyclones of my weakness get caught up in His strength. I hear the winds of lies blow up against the Word of His Truth. Though He has the power to calm the storm, I am often more comfortable on the rocky waves... because that way I can hide in my fear and be content in not growing into who I am meant to be.

Because growing hurts. Because change opens me up to unknown elements and things I can't control. Because if I dare to become who I am MADE to be, I have to admit that it isn't about myself anymore. It's about the Something Greater that is inside me. It's letting loose who I am so that I can fulfill the purpose God's given to me.

And that is scary.

So I sabotage myself. Even though I know God's given me the gift of writing and the desire to cultivate words, I box up my talent and only let it loose when I feel comfortable with it. I never let it get too good because then I have to follow through with it and it becomes something more. I ramp up, and then I get scared of its power and purpose and I bury it again.

I inhibit God's influence when I do this. And it's shameful. I get scared that somehow I'll get too free, too liberated (read: living outside my own controls) and in effect, I silence God. 

This has been shown to me repeatedly over the last few years, as my passions and talents have grown. I see the damage I've done as I look back on my years lived in fear. It's such an obvious contrast to the times when I dare to break through my fear and do what we are all made to do in the image of the One who created us: create.

Last November I created a novel, a world, characters... Even though I was scared. In recent months, I've really come to understand the power of creation by taking control of things around my house and in my life and creating more from them. Creating new things. I'd even created something new, inside myself, but that's when I again realized that it's not me doing the creating, but God. And God does His will with His creations, whether we recognize His role or not. Sometimes, we think we lose things "we" created because we don't realize He's creating something better with it.

So here I am, coming clean with my fear. And openly admitting that I am battling it.

When I knew I was gifted with music and song, I was crippled by my own convincing that my voice was my only instrument. Then I recognized my fear and prayed for God to show me where I could be more, and now I am freed by the healing I've gotten through the music of my guitar. He took my gift, my passion, and He made it more.

When I knew God spoke to me through His Word, I was afraid of what I would hear, so I kept myself from reading it. Now through the illumination of the Spirit, I hear His voice, and it breaks me free of my chains. I've learned that God speaks to me through literature, and that's why I am so drawn to it. Words have always held power, but His Words are the most powerful.

I know that He makes all things new. I know that He uses my passions for His purpose, and that I need to give them over to Him. If He is to use my words, I need to write them. 

If I don't open the channel for Him to move through, then it's my loss. His will is going to be done, with me or without me, but He has promised me (and gives me) blessings for choosing to be a part of His design.

My mission, then, becomes the desire to give my fears up and let God do with me what needs to be done. To use my talents unabashedly, and not restrain the passions He places within me. I may feel like I'm scattered or unsure, but if what I am doing is done with His glory in mind, then it's never a wasted adventure.

It's a win-win situation. I fearlessly uncover my purpose, and in the process I overcome myself and this world.  It's not about "finding" myself or even "creating" myself, it's about finding my Maker inside myself, and letting Him create me as He intends.